You Are Not Alone.

Things are fucking hard right now (excuse my bluntness but it's true!) We often fear that by showing emotion we are weak, we push our emotions aside with the feelings of "there's worse out there." We constantly compare our problems to others and devalue the things that truly make us upset. We fear that others who look at us when we show our emotion, will roll their eyes and feel like we're being "extra" or "fake." We worry that others will think we're too emotional, too repetitive, too depressing. We shy away from our emotions, we suffer in silence and we hide from our support systems until it becomes too much that we explode, self sabotage, or just plain give up. I know that this is true because it's exactly what I've been going through. I've been in quarantine now for over 40 days, I can't tell you the exact amount without counting because the days have all began to mesh together. I've cried, more then I want to admit. I shut down... I go into a panic attack... I have a hard time leaving my bed most days... I feel something I haven't felt in a really long time... The ugly face of depression.

It's bringing me to a breaking point I didn't think I would get to and it's caused me to beat myself up even more because of how far I've come. It feels like I'm taking a step backwards. There was once a point in my life where the depression overwhelmed any positive thought that went through my brain. I had a hard time ever leaving my bed, caring for myself, or the others in my life. I was almost never happy, I hated myself beyond belief, I ate my feelings, and I hid from those who cared for me. I pushed everyone away... absolutely everyone. My relationship almost ended, my life felt worthless and I hated every second of it... yet it felt like I couldn't do anything about it. One day, after years of suffering and lack of forgiveness, I woke up and decided I had enough. I realized that I may not be in control of much, but what I was in control of was my feelings. I started looking and recognizing the positives that the depression had caused me to ignore. I became more open with my feelings, I let others in and found commonality everywhere I turned. I realized that everyone I talked to also was battling so many of the same feelings. I realized that by being open and talking about it, others also felt relief. I worked HARD to feel and live positively. Then quarantine changed everything...the depression came back with vengeance and it was absolutely devastating. I found myself falling into old habits, eating sugar like crazy, binging at night, not leaving my bed, and distancing myself from my loved ones. The stress of not knowing won and I wasn't proud of it. I went from feeling inspirational, positive, happy, and worthwhile to feeling useless and without direction. I felt like I failed despite reminding myself of how far I've come. Then a day would come where I felt amazing and productive, which honestly made the next spout of depression even worse. I continued to try to be open about it but found myself doubting my openness and repeating myself. "Hey guys, sorry I've been distant, it's been hard but I'm feeling better today!" Over and over I would hop onto instagram and post this same story. "Are people getting annoyed by me? Am I being too emotional? Am I really helping anyone anymore?"

I felt defeated and worthless over and over and then amazing and positive the next. It's been a cycle that I haven't been able to break. I don't have an answer for how to get on top of your emotions during this time, nor am I in a profession where I am qualified to give you any sort of mental health advice... but PLEASE don't feel like you're alone. Please remember that you are worthwhile. Please remember that you are far from the only person who is in the spot you're in right now. Please remember that every emotion you're having is okay and deserving of your attention. Please remember that even if it feels like you're going backwards, you're not.

Please remember that you're loved and deserving of happiness.

Your depression, anxieties, stress and more are completely okay. You're not going backwards, it wont be forever, and if you think really hard I promise you will find some sort of positive in the clouds. When I find myself at my lowest points, speaking down to myself, I change my words. I go from "You're worthless, a bad mom, and a fake" to "I'm thankful that we're healthy, I'm thankful that my family is safe with me, I'm thankful that I have a choice to stay home, I'm thankful that this is giving me a chance to have time with my loved ones." Replace the negative talk and find positive anywhere you can.

Be open and talk about your feelings with others and remind yourself that so many love and care about you - even if it feels like you're absolutely alone. Reach out. Know that your problems are worthy of your emotions.

You are loved, we will get through this. It seems impossible today, but soon enough we will see an end to the pain and suffering. It may not be right around the corner, but as long as you have hope, it will one day come. Keep any positivity you can because right now is the time where we all need it most.