Where Have You Been?!

Back in late June, I stared at a positive pregnancy test in disbelief.

I didn't want to disappear from the internet, but pretty quickly I realized that it would become the last thing on my mind. I looked at that positive pregnancy test and automatically was filled with excitement and anxiety. We were about to grow to a family of at least 5, something we've always wanted but that still felt so crazy! I wanted this more then anything and I was so thankful to be taking this journey into infancy once more, but I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Even now that my first trimester is almost up, I'm in disbelief that this is actually happening. My boys are so independent and grown, the thought of waking up every 2 hours and feeding my boob leech is just well... insane. At 4 weeks pregnant, the morning sickness started. Having lost a lot of weight before this, I was eager to stay on track and stay as active as possible. I had all these crazy plans of how this pregnancy was going to go and it very quickly all went out the window. The worst morning sickness I've ever had hit, along with the worst need to sleep SO FREAKING MUCH! It honestly felt like I had the flu all day every day; which, compared to my other pregnancies, was not normal. I couldn't drink water because it would make me nauseous, I couldn't eat anything savoury because it made me want to vomit, and I had absolutely zero energy to clean, cook, or even get off the couch. Thats when the guilt and depression set in. I wasn't depressed because I was pregnant, I was so excited to be taking this final trip down baby lane for our family... but I felt horrible and guilty for not only wishing I didn't feel so sick (when so many others cry to be where I am,) but also for not being able to help out my family as much. I would make it my goal to do one small thing a day if possible, the dishes, the laundry, something that would make Rich's life just a little bit easier. I cried a lot and often fell asleep on the couch as soon as Rich would walk through the door despite getting a full nights rest (besides that 5am wake up call to pee that always happens without fail.) I felt horrible for not wanting to feel sick anymore, I felt horrible for not being able to get off the couch, and I never wanted to leave the house. I guess that was the bonus of getting most of my first trimester out of the way during quarantine. I wanted to post my normal life, obviously not ready to tell our news to the world... but every day was a struggle. I quickly gained a bit of weight as I lived off the juice and sweet items that my stomach could handle... and I was miserable. Nothing helped, nothing gave me the energy I craved, and my body dysmorphia was at it's absolute worst (and still honestly is one of my biggest struggles currently - but more on that later.) Finally, this week things have started to ease up, I'm helping out more at home and feeling better. The guilt is easing but my heart still breaks for all of those who have a hard time getting pregnant, as horrible as the first trimester can be it's something that so many wish to experience and can't. If there is anything I can do for you, anything I can say or talk about, please let me know. I know that many will look at my post with sadness as they battle their own infertility; I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable as this part of my life comes into the frontlines. Please reach out if you wish to talk, I will always be a safe space and an ear to those who need it, even if I don't fully understand it. My miscarriage in 2010 was one of the hardest moments of my life, my heart hurts for all of you who struggle with loss or the lack of pregnancy.

... So what's next for Chip Chats? Well, obviously there will be talk of my journey through this pregnancy; but I will also be focusing back on my health, including food and exercise, as I get back to feeling myself. As we speak, I'm drinking water and feeling fine, which is a huge win in my books! After this babe is born, which we've nicknamed "Moon Baby*" since we won't be finding out the gender this time around, I'll be getting right back to the grind. Losing the baby weight I'm bound to gain, getting healthy once more as I enter my 30's (which is coming up in about a month - way too quickly if you ask me,) and celebrating the life I get to live and create. I hope you're excited, cause we sure are <3 *Moon baby, since so many have asked, is a nickname given because of Rich and I's love of space. We wanted something fun and different and worked through a few nicknames with our boys before settling on this one.