The Stress of Isolation Stopped Me From Staying on Track

but here's the thing... I'm okay with it.

I'm sure that we're all aware at this point that the world is currently up in arms as most stay home and wait for the stress of this virus to subside. I am one of those lucky few who's still getting paid despite my workplace being shut down; I am staying home and making sure my family is as safe as possible while I do. I feel blessed to not have to worry as I spend most of my time binging episodes of supernatural on Amazon Prime, but it doesn't mean that the stress of this whole situation has not affected me. My husband is a machinist and will probably be listed as an "essential" worker, which is constantly on my mind first and foremost. He is a pretty healthy younger adult, but also suffers from asthma and was hospitalized a couple years ago for bad pneumonia, meaning he is at higher risk for needing hospitalization if he catches Covid-19. We're still safe and healthy for now, but who knows if it will stay that way. We're hopeful that the government will shut him down before it gets to that point, but we really can't be sure. The financial stress that would come with that is weighing us down as well, but I still try to stay positive and happy so I can control how I feel during this pandemic. I'm now on my 10th day of quarantine, more then most and less then some, and I can tell you that even with the fact that my social needs get fed by my family members... I'm starting to go stir crazy. I've been working hard to stay positive , and to keep a handle on my emotions. I've been doing a pretty swell job of it so far, (not to toot my own horn, but it's true!) I've made sure to keep busy, eat right but also be lenient, and make sure that I make time to work out and stay as active as possible within' my four walls... but this weekend was a different story.

On Sunday, my loving husband let me sleep in... he tried hard to keep the children at bay and tried to give me some peace and quiet but I awoke to the sound of our son crying. While playing video games, he got mad and threw his controller hitting the bottom of the TV in anger. Our brand new 4K TV (just got it 3 months ago,) now completely ruined by one little point of impact. Now I know that a TV is a silly thing to get upset about, but all my emotions came crashing down after that point. After 8 days of isolation with no end in sight, my period on the horizon, my emotions in shambles, and the exhaustion of the constant stress and anxiety weighing me down... this just topped it off. We kept our cool around the kids as we brought our old less broken, but still broken, TV from the basement to replace our new TV that is now garbage (my husband even called for replacement parts to try and fix it himself but alas no replacement parts are available for that specific model....OF COURSE!).I felt fine for a moment as I put on some more supernatural and told the kids to go play in their playroom, but once they left the room I felt the breakdown on the horizon. I watched the smaller TV in disbelief as it all set in, as everything that was going on truly hit me...

Then I ate... I'm not proud that I fell off track, nor am I proud that I broke my intermittent fasting window that I held for 2.5 weeks... I ate way more junk then I should have, and I threw my hands up in the air and gave in to my cravings. Then I got sick, like I ate way too much junk and my body can't handle it sick. I wanted to throw it all up, I started to sweat like crazy and hovered over a garbage can. It was almost midnight and here I am, crying in disgust with myself for how I let my day turn out. I promised myself that I would go back to eating healthy and not let this stop me. "I'm so sorry," I found myself repeating this over and over as I cradled the garbage can and waited for the feeling to pass.

My body rejected the choices I made and I'm still feeling it today.

I could have got up today, looked at my bloated gut in the mirror and said "forget it." I could let the corona virus stress take over me and stop me from my goals and wishes. I could end this quarantine with no clothes that fit, as I eat more and more of my stress and feelings. I could allow the stress to truly take over my anxiety and depression and make all my choices for me... but I wont. I woke up today determined to keep going, determined not to let the negative outweigh the positive (as hard as it is in this current time.) I woke up today and stared at myself in the mirror, I put on a comfy outfit that wasn't my husbands clothes which I had been wearing all week, I did my hair, I brushed my teeth, and I smiled. One. Big. Giant. Smile. I felt like garbage but I was determined to turn it around. As usual, I refused to let one bad day define my goals, dreams, and aspirations. I acknowledged that only I am in control of my body and the food I eat. I know that I can and I know that I will be able to stay on track despite everything thats thrown at me and I know that a little emotion is okay. My past does not define my future. My past eating does not mean that I am unsuccessful or disgusting and it does not mean that I don't have the willpower to succeed. It means that I'm human. It means that I struggle just like everyone else. It means that I can learn from mistakes that I've made. As are you. Capable, worthy, and strong.

Think about the good during this rough time, enjoy the extra time with your family and find reasons to smile. Stay at home, stay healthy and be responsible because that's all you really can do. Remember that things happen, but those things do not define you.

So stop beating yourself up, it's normal to be stressed out right now, it's normal to want to eat your feelings, it's what you do tomorrow and onwards that truly matters.

So go get it friends. Be positive, stay hopeful, and wait <3